A Blind and Silent Search

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He holds me in his arms, whispering platitudes of love
with the heartfelt, open denial of the world we’re dreaming of.
He holds my hands up to his face, and places on each a kiss,
tells me I’ll never be alone, in times so hard as this.

“Let’s play a game,” he suggests to me, with a smile on his lips.
“Hide and seek,” he says to me, with a certain noted bliss.
I fear, somehow. I doubt in him, though I feel I have betrayed;
the loose ends I keep tying up, are perpetually frayed.

“Close your eyes,” he requests, turning me around.
I feel his arms slip away from me, he leaves without a sound.
I close my eyes and count to ten, and twenty, and fifty-five,
and to a hundred, and larger still, and then open my eyes.

And yet, that darkness haunts me, as if my eyes were stitched up,
blackened void, and abyss before me, because my eyes stay shut.
I try to pull my lids apart, to see the scene I know is there,
to no avail, I soon discover, because somehow, I still have failed.

I open my mouth, I try to scream, but a whimper only comes out,
I say his name in whispered thoughts, I try desperately to shout.
I cry tears that can leave me, taunting as they fall
because they escape the darkness that plagues my world in awe.

I shout again, this time I’m heard, by my own ears only, it seems.
No one else comes to my rescue. No one else hears my screams.
I call his name, “It’s not a joke, I am stricken blind!”
“Save me!” I beg. “Come save me!” But I fear I’m left behind.

I stumble through the bushes, feel thorns scrape up my thighs
I catch my hands on roses, blackened as if they’d died.
And the stem, and the bush, and the trees, and the sky,
all void, all gone, disappeared to my eyes.

I call his name again, in vain. Begging to be found.
He doesn’t come to save me, I fall to the ground.
Gravel digs into my knees, I feel the warmth of blood,
I wonder if this is my end, if I shall lose in love.

I shake, I shiver, I hold myself, nothing compared to his arms.
I realize that this game we play was gambling in cards.
I threw a coin into the air, when I let him walk away.
There never was a guarantee he’d remain, a guarantee that he would stay…

This is based off of a nightmare I had a while back. Quite often I find myself blind in my dreams. I always seem to know what’s going on around me, but I cannot witness it, and I can’t do anything to change it. Honestly, I think I have these nightmares because one of my greatest fears is losing control over a situation, topped only by the fear that the people I love will leave me. I would say about once a week at least I have a dream where I cannot see anything. Slightly less often, I have nightmares of full-body paralysis, which I guess it more frightening to me because I am forced to watch what is happening, but do nothing.

This nightmare however was probably the worst I’ve ever had. It put together my two greatest fears and forced me to face them both at once. I know, you’re supposed to face your fears in order to overcome them, but this did NOT help me overcome EITHER. I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, and because I sleep in as dark of an environment as possible, I thought I really was blind. After turning on a light and realizing that I was okay, I had to text the guy it was about around three in the morning just to make sure that he was okay. It was exhausting and petrifying.

On the bright side, it made good fodder for poetry. See, when you’re an optimist, there’s ALWAYS a bright side. 🙂

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About Mattie J.

My name is Mattie J. Hamilton, and I am seventeen years old. I live in a cute little house in the country in Southern Indiana, and have lived there my entire life. I self-published two books of poetry a few years ago, but I much prefer writing fiction of poetry, journalism, or any other sort of writing. I'm somewhat new to the blogging world, and I may come off as a bit of an ameteur, but hey, I am an ameteur. Proud of it. After all, I'm just a kid, and I have plenty of time to learn.

8 responses »

  1. You’ve done it again. Absolutely spectacular. =) U captured my fear in that one simple poem. Your very good. I admire your work. I hope you publish a novel someday. I’d definitely read it. =)

    • Thanks Jade ^_^ (by the way, is that your real name? I don’t really know what to call you, lol) I’ve written three novels in the past, but I haven’t deemed them good enough to be published. One I wrote when I was in seventh grade, the second I wrote in eighth, and the third I was in such a rush to finish, it turned out a little messed up. Past the point of editing, I think. I’d have to rewrite it. But when school rolls around, I’m supposed to be beginning on another novel, if I can find the time.

      What about you? Have you ever attempted a novel? And have you ever heard of http://www.nanowrimo.org? It’s amazing, you should definitely check it out! You write 50,000 words in November, but when it’s not November, you’re in a huge community of writers.

      • Ur welcome. And my middle name is Jade. My real name is Alanna. You can call me either one. I can call u mattie or mj right? And I’ve attempted to write novels a lot of times. Usually I get to like the 3rd chapted and stop because idk how to continue it. But I’m writing one now and I think this one I’ll finish. I have so many ideas moving around in my head. And that’s awesome that u wrote 3. That’s really great. And if u need any help with the new one let me know. I’m always here for support =)

      • Your name is Alanna? That’s AWESOME! I’ve always loved that name! And funny thing, the child in the book I’m about to start work on is named Alanna, lol. And thanks so much for the support. It really does mean a lot to me, and I’ll always be here if you need my support as well ^_^. Good luck on your novel, it’s the most rewarding thing in the world to finish one! Seriously, those people who say childbirth is the most rewarding thing are WRONG. Haha, I guess I can’t say that, I’ve never had a kid, so I wouldn’t know. But still. I can assume. Lol.

  2. The poems that I’ve posted on my blog recently don’t even compare to this one. It seems to appeal to all the senses; which is what writing should do. Especially the lines like “eyes were stiched up” and “gravel digs into my knees”. I like how the poem isn’t limited to a certain structure but has a simple aabb rhyming pattern in each stanza. The fear of dark and loneliness seems to be the greatest fears for many people and you were able to capture it within 36 lines! I know this is a long comment but I really enjoyed reading your poem. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having nightmares.
    Also, you should go back to the novels that you’ve already written. They could be worth publishing. Afterall, the biggest critic of a novel is the author who wrote it. You never know….

    http://mysteryofwriting.wordpress.com/

    • Thank you ^_^ And I may someday go back to them, but my OCD forces me to rewrite anything I haven’t worked on in over three days, lol. I’m really bad about stuff like that. I can drive myself crazy with OCD and I’d lose all my work anyway. I might eventually post a couple chapters here though if I decide not to publish them.

  3. lol hahaha. I know right!! And thats soo cool that ur character’s name is alanna. I definitely feel famous right now like wow lol. Ur blog actually hepled me to have the desire to write again. I wasn’t expecting for this site to do anything it was just random that I stumbled upon it. I didn’t expect too much but I’m so happy I found it. It’s awesome lol. =) im probably gonna get off this no. Wanna go watch master chef lol love cooking shows. I’ll tty soon. KEEP WRITING (BREATHING) lol

    • You should because now she’s officially named after you ^_^ Lol. I’m glad I could help 🙂 Never really expected that to come of this, but hey, whatever I can do to help. And I’m super glad you’ve decided to start writing again, there are never enough writers in the world. We are the philosiphers of out time (mostly because the real philosiphers of our time make no money and starve to death before their thoughts are known). It’s the writers of the world who change the views of the world. ❤ Makes me proud to call myself one.

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