Author Archives: Mattie J.

About Mattie J.

My name is Mattie J. Hamilton, and I am seventeen years old. I live in a cute little house in the country in Southern Indiana, and have lived there my entire life. I self-published two books of poetry a few years ago, but I much prefer writing fiction of poetry, journalism, or any other sort of writing. I'm somewhat new to the blogging world, and I may come off as a bit of an ameteur, but hey, I am an ameteur. Proud of it. After all, I'm just a kid, and I have plenty of time to learn.

If Only, Though I Love You

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I fought the moment I lost inhibition,
Trapped behind the bars of intuition,
I watched you as you tread on path so broken
and left with nothing there when you were open.
Might be I travelled light, without much burden,
saw you in my path but let you stay hidden.
Forgot that you were there until you left me,
then noticed something wrong when you went missing.

If only as a kid I’d let myself see you,
if only in those days I saw what you’d been through,
there’d be so many less scars and memories to haunt you.
Here I was my love, I didn’t protect you.
If only as a kid, you’d seen my heartache,
if only you could have stopped my senseless heartbreak.
If only we were first, just us at daybreak.
If only we were kids before the hard tolls we must take.

I wish I had seen you before I knew him,
I wish you had seen me before you saw them.
I wish that we were us before we were now and then.
I wish we knew before that we were destined.
If only as children we flew kites above us,
if only as children we knew what love was.
If only as so young we sang the song love
and gave then all we had lain there before us.

But I ask far too much, I’m happy with you.
Would give up everything for this dream come true,
Don’t ever let me wake if I am not beside you
Because a love with you is better than love in youth.

Time Melts Away

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I painted your portrait in my mind,
and tried to spell out
every intricacy.
Fell in love with the thoughts that were tortured
and gave new meaning
to haunting me.
I placed all the memories in pages,
and straightened them out
with a cover,
I tried to write the story of our lives,
but got lost
because it’s still not over.

Time melts away,
I asked you to stay,
you promised to give me
your every last day.
Into the dark,
I’d fall much too far,
but I’d go there gladly
if that’s where you are.

I saw museums of butterflies pinned up,
in windows of glass
held up by spikes.
I watched their wings flutter in fury
as they struggled
to reclaim their lives.
Bound by a sadness and sadism
of a race bent only
on love
For oneself, for the mind, for each other
spent lost only
on cause.

Time melts away,
but you promised you’d stay,
you promised you’d give me
your every last day.
I gave you my heart,
I’d walk into the dark
as long as, my darling,
that remains where you are.

I see the mirrors growing older,
lines of rust staining creases
in my face.
I see shards cracking, and starting to smolder
as we age a little
more every day.
I watch ruins turn into black ashes
and splash my feet
in the things that once were.
I hold tightly to everything you knew
and everything that
you and I are.

Time melts away into the dark,
and I know we’ve not travelled too far,
but I love you with all of my heart,
and I’d follow you, if that’s where you are.

Dear God

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Dear God,

For once in my life I do not speak your name
with intentions ill-willed or a tone set in vain.
I ask only that you listen to the words that I say,
Oh God, my Lord, you saved my life today.
Now most of the time I don’t see you there,
I live life in laughter and I’ve learned not to care
as if your a phantom that means nothing to me,
but in no less than a miracle you’ve made me believe.

I asked you for gifts that I could not return.
I asked moments to stop and the clocks not to turn.
I begged you for the things that I didn’t need
and yet somehow you’ve still forgiven me.
And by the time I was a child I asked you for love,
nagged every wish for what I had dreamt of.
Why wasn’t it coming, why didn’t he care?
I asked you for things but didn’t believe you were there.

And then I met a boy who gave me his heart,
put me together after being torn apart.
Far beyond miles was where he was born,
but here you bad brought him, though tempest and storm.
And better yet, he loved me, could not possibly seem so.
What was this emotion, I had never known.
You brought me love despite distance and time,
My fate found me happy when I found him mine.

Down on my knees I pray for your name,
Vowing never again to take it in vain
and offering you the most heartfelt of thanks
for saving the man who protects me from pain.
You saved my love, you saved my life, I give all that I ever had
in you rests my soul, my life, my faith, and sought glee in the aftermath.
I give little more than all I know to ask that you keep him near,
Because you know as well as I that I can’t live without him here.

Okay, I know I said I was going to use all sonnets this week, but I had to write and post this one. I don’t mean to offend anyone who isn’t christian.

Never Neverland

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I woke up early one night, at near dawn.
Light was just off the shore, of lost causes.
I spent a moment without, so alone.
And gazed into the sky, sought for pauses.
And there above me hovered a boy,
a smirk wide and clear on his blushing cheeks.
He lifted me to the sky, in stories,
and rescued me from the future,  he speaks.
And brings me into a world of forever.
Burns the fires in holes left forgotten.
And torches of what we’d be together.
Flames of whispers of gowns in pure satin.
Never meant to grow up in Neverland,
I’ll spend my life with this boy, Peter Pan.

I’ve decided I really like the form of a sonnet, so in an attempt to condition myself to only use the words I need most, I’m going to start writing in sonnet form. I’ll give myself a week for this, then I’ll go back to freeverse. Time for a little experimentation.

Numb

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A voice, a whisper; echoing endless
Petrification: caught again-guilty.
To trial, before jurors, spent breathless,
a judge of biased anonymity.
A gavel smashed, shattered into splinters
a gasp, an outcast, rendered a phantom.
And innocent of crime, cold and bitter,
I brood; I falter, I feel the symptoms.
There you are again, my addictive strain.
Haunting my move with watchful, wary eyes.
A course of healing poison through my veins,
Inject into me until I will die.
Remain, running through me, please be my high.
upon clouds, so numb, just let me fly.

No, I am not on drugs. I thought I should make that very clear. I don’t find any joy in drugs outside the ones that keep me alive, and even those bother me horribly. This is only a metaphor for the dangerous addiction of love. However, though compared to a drug (and I do believe it is one) it is the purest and most satisfactory of all narcotics. It can make all the problems in the world go away. It can put you on a high that, with a little luck, you may never come down from.

Cataclysm

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Shards of broken Earth crashing to the ground,
a sky, so ever-falling to children
taken captive by clouds and promptly drowned;
In audacious wisps once long forbidden.
Scorched earth in tatters, in passages bare
trees torn by roots, thrown over in the storm.
Sought matters forgotten, to disrepair.
Manner corrupted by poisonous swarm.
Lost thoughts beyond to a world of lost dreams,
splashed with cold, black fire burning blue and red.
Sought after with eyes enviously green
among hopes that still raised from graves once dead.
Playful puppetmaster always bending;
To a child, the world is always ending.

Affair with a Lion

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Forgetful past of stolen soldiers
sought by hunters.
Perhaps a dance of blade and blood
and bone.
Perhaps forgotten, but untainted,
unaltered,
of soldiers, of hunters,
of death by stones.

And yet, naïve, and innocent,
and blissful to a fault,
I catch a whim, so close to home
that may be deadly to my heart.
But breeze and bronze
together in a crown
find me forgetful of my past.
And without fear, or even
acknowledgement
I continue to walk my path.

Into a den
of deep and dark
and bats hung by black walls,
and drips of drops
of tears from old
by stalactites they still fall.
Into a cove
of dark and dim
from which echoes loud snores
until the beast of king
of here
awakes and then he roars.

On soft white feet
child-and new
with mud caked around ankles dry,
I pad across soft,
smooth stone
and ask if I shall have life.

The bars have closed
behind me.
The boulders block my way.
Only forward
am I allowed
only here, and stay.
And blood stains on walls
and floors
and the lion’s maw,
and flesh caught bare
and tattered and torn
upon his claw.

And his deadly eyes
flash amber,
and his silent air
screams bleak
and my future with him
here in his cavern
seems less than I might believe.

And my innocence turned
black again
and heart captured in fear;
an affair with danger,
with a sauntered grasp
with lines to which I must adhere.

And my ashes
brought to surface.
And my face pallid
as cold ice.
And his golden mane
glows brightly,
and his eyes
mirror mine.

And I see the blood upon him
and the tears that lay below
and the gashes in his chest and paws
that were hidden by sorrow.
And the injuries that no other saw
for the hunters hunt him too,
the lion, so powerful, so strong,
hurt by selfish truce.

And the lion, so yet cold
to fight on every hunter near.
No one may pass, forbidden glass
shattered by deaf ears.

His amber eyes run me up and down,
suspicious of my stance.
Am I just another woman with a gun,
or will he understand?

With hesitant steps
on scarred-up paws
he treads across pure stone.
Gazes into my cautious eyes
and is suddenly less alone.
Places a paw before me,
a truce by any thought.
I take my hand, place it on his
and lose the past that I forgot.

And I am innocent again.

And he lays down
on cool black stone,
watching me with care.
I sit beside him,
lay beside him,
and somehow I feel him there.
I feel his claws, his deepened breath.
The smell of thick-dried blood,
hanging humid in the air.
I curl up beside him,
fingers in his mane,
a kiss to his forehead
and a smile with his name.
An affair with my killer,
the prey loves her hunter,
danger, and terror,
and folly-ful blunder.

And yet, my lion, so cold,
so distant,
alone in the world,
and I as his mistress,
his heart and his love
his silly little girl.

Finally starting to get back into the hang of things. Granted, I don’t think my writing is as good as it could be, I guess that’s what stress does to me, but I’m getting there.

This is mostly about the danger of love itself. Putting all of your heart into one person could very well kill you, and has before. But when you truly love someone, you become a child again, and take a risk. And sometimes, it’s worth it.

There Was no Beginning

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Secretly
(and selfishly),
I still,
When captured by inopportunity,
Think back to those days
Underneath a blanket of clouds,
Above a blushing sky,
Pink and orange and golden.
I still remember us.

I still remember moments i locked away
Never to be considered.
But on those moments replicated,
A deja vu
The days I wish I never knew
That tore me to pieces
Because of you
And your lack of understanding.

You still don’t understand.

And upon a moment
Left bare and bone
Seeds that will never be unsewn
Flesh torn out in tiny pieces
There is no mend.
There was no beginning
And no end
And left no corpse of what I may lament.
And left no evidence
But a handprint.
And left no soul behind.
There is no middle part to remember.

And I realize, that secretly, I’ve begun to hate you.
I’ve no grounds behind my claim
No legitimate justification
Of why I still leave you to my blame.
I know only that I sometimes remember
But only when I hear your name
For in every other moment of my life
You were nothing more than a phase.

And now you’re easy
To erase.

The Picket Fence Life

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His eyes are far away, in lands soft and dizzy.
His heart is miles lost, and to a fault less than leery,
he holds up in his hands the moments of doubt.
He tends to forget sometimes what his life is about.

In sunsets. In moonlight, in fireflies dancing
in dewdrops, in mornings, in the minutes still passing,
he frets that his life will fall to pieces on the floor
and I don’t know how to tell him, he need not worry anymore.

I wrap my arms around him, whisper in his ear,
“I will protect you forever, worry not my dear.
You are the stronger man in any woman’s eyes.
You’ll have everything you want, whatever you desire.”

I tell him of the days that I wait so anxiously for,
the opportunities he’s brought to me, the ones I’ve placed at his door.
The moments when we grow old, and the youth we have still now,
I kiss his cheek softly, smooth the wrinkle from his brow.

He will be married to a wife who’d give up her heart.
He will have the life of a king, she will hold close to the start.
She promises him everything, anything he wants and more,
she’ll give him her heart, her soul, whatever he asks for.

He will have children who are wrapped around his legs,
with tiny hands and arms, put them to sleep in tiny beds.
He will spend nights at home, happily content with peace.
He will go to sleep each night, and wake up beside me.

He will have power in the career of his choosing,
he’ll treat his coworkers well, without over-abusing.
He’ll trust his earnings into salary micro-managed,
he is a strong man, he will have his plan.

And when he is old and grey, I will still be beside him,
we’ll watch our kids get old, and we will still confide in.
We’ll still be the best friends we are, and a life still left unaltered
the love we have now will have grown yet still, and untarnished and unfaltered.

He listens to my tales of surreptitious pandering,
A smile finds his lips as he hears my senseless ramblings.
I’ve said all this before, but it still comforts him to hear
that no matter where he goes in life, I’ll still always be here.

Wherever You Are

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Behind black brick,
beneath grey stone
caught in steel shackles
behind iron bars;
without sound or echo
void even of rats
in buried dungeons, I’ll find you
wherever you are.

Caught in thorns of brambles,
caged by fallen trees
beneath swollen skies and tempest
captive held by angry breeze;
rain-spattered ground as quicksand
sunk deep in darkened tarn
mirrored eyes in dewdrops
and held by captor, Harm.
Vines entangled around unbalanced ankles
arms spread wide and far,
in fallen forests, I’ll protect you
wherever you are.

On dark ground stolen from innocent
beneath skies palid and grey,
among forgotten sorrow and lost remains
of an only slightly happier day.
Surrounded by flames that lick your blood,
tearing holes into your legs,
charring flesh and burning skin
taking air with desperate dregs.
In seas of ash with tides of dust
on scorched earth fried from life,
the grass so far, in distant lands
under watch of pebblestone eyes.
Through flames and ash and fallen blood
and over bodies black as tar,
in earth as lost as Hell itself, I’ll save you
wherever you are.

In time worn old by moments
that have past and gone,
behind us, before them,
then, and now, and alone;
in a world foreign but familiar
beneath skies younger than I
dark with clouds, and light with the sun
and stars that burn too bright;
and the moon that saw no footprints
and the Everest never scaled
and the apple never fallen
and the humanity never failed;
beneath a Heaven still held holy
above a Hell still held fear
below the grace of what will be
and above the future so held near;
torn to pieces by the deafened silence
of peasants and kings ripped raw
in sancitity of what had never been
but will be by Fate’s law;
in a time less like ours, where I am not
and have not lived so far
far in the past, the future, never still,
I’ll find you, wherever you are.