Category Archives: Hopes

All That Remains


Been to a Hell
with fiery depths.
Been to the ocean
and almost
drowned myself.
Fell through the hollow
of a lone peasant’s hall.
Captured by posterity
and lost nearly it all.

Forgot where I’d come from,
lost where I’d been.
Followed the road
I’d been back again.
Looked to the west
when the dawn rose behind me,
waited for a cause
and someone new to guide me.

Broke too many rules,
hurt too many hearts.
Waited too long
and tore too many apart.
Lost sight of the truth,
found someone to blame.
And yet, still somehow
only the scars left remain.

Yesterday marked the end of my house arrest. I was finally able to go out in public and be around people, something I haven’t been able to do in weeks because of my transplant surgery. I never knew staying in the house would be so challenging for me, but after a few days, you start to get stir-crazy. For the last couple of years, I’ve spent the summers home alone, but I was allowed to go out with friends pretty much whenever I wanted. This summer, I wasn’t even allowed to do that.

While in reality this is supposed to symbolize the end of my battle with end-stage renal failure, I suppose it could fit many different situations at any given time. So in that light, it’s not about illness. It’s about any hardship that anyone should have to suffer, large and small. Everything.


Phoenix’s Barricade


She shimmers in the sunbeams, feathers glistening like burning coal
Her eyes trace shards of broken scene, behind bars that leave her cold.

Meadows bloom of other realities, that she may never call her own.
Phoenix dreams of long lost freedom, to the lands she used to know.

She perches there in silence, passing days without her song
Resenting what she once dreamed true, convinced that she was wrong.

She shall never sing again, she fears, though she would never say.
If asked, she’d simply nod her head, pause, and turn away.

But in nightmares, she is falling. Her wings are broken glass.
And soft-spoken breeze that tosses her sends her spiraled to the grass.

She opens her eyes, breath heaving. A thunder in her heart.
The moon is brilliant tonight, but no mend does that impart.

Her eyes stray to her crimson wings, of little use to her now
For in chains and rings and behind iron bars, to her hell, forever bound.

Her feathers begin to wither, her light begins to fade.
The flame that lay beneath her skin, is smothered behind black shade.

A veil is cast over her eyes, she can no longer breathe.
She feels herself begin to shatter, a million pieces, she believes.

A wisp of breeze, a sorrowful moan, and Phoenix finds herself gone.
And wishes that the world might care, though it leaves her with a yawn.

And when her eyes awake again, she finds herself in ash.
Buried under dark black sand, and smoldering flames of her past.

Her feathers glitter with a thousand rubies, crushed and caught to her wings.
Her eyes see more than she ever has, amber with emerald green.

She stands and approaches her bars with care, slipping out of her chains.
She is small enough now, she sees, to escape, perhaps unscathed.

She slips past her bars, takes to the sky, and flies away in silence.
With a click of her beak and the raise of her wings, she smirks in pure defiance.

Clouds of sky beneath her, sunrise just ahead.
Chariots of silver stars race home, and leave streaks of cherry in their stead.

She is headed there too, she knows. Where heart meets sullen home.
But not so sullen anymore, because Phoenix has been reborn.

This was originally inspired by my desire to be freed of my house arrest. No, I haven’t done anything bad, I’m only stuck in the house because I have to be for six weeks after my kidney transplant. Only three weeks left (yay). Anyway, it began as my desire to go outside and slowly shifted to my recent writer’s block and my inexplicably awful writing that as of late just seems to be getting worse… And it also portrays the hope that someday soon I will be free of both of those cages.